Love and it’s Many Forms #7

All photos by my Instagram @decayed_decadence

The Truth

All photos by my Instagram @decayed_decadence (credit from an amazing show Cowboy Bebop)

Love and it’s Many Forms #6

All photos by my Instagram @decayed_decadence

The “Moment”

All photos by my Instagram @decayed_decadence

They say you’re depressed or have anxiety
If you aren’t “living in the moment”
I call bullshit

What if every moment just sucks?
What life just isn’t as bright as we’re told to believe?
True strength comes with grit

Otherwise you’re just running from
Or into the next moment of nothingness
And you’re suppose to “enjoy”

This isn’t a common theme for happiness, but it’s how it works
You’re supposed to push through
Even through the filthiest decoy


Then we are told “Get over it”
You don’t know my perspective
You can’t feel the pain I’m experiencing

You’re just a ghost on the wall, screaming “IT GETS EASIER, IT GETS BETTER!”
WHEN?! I ask, when will it get better?
This life is spliced between the fencing

So “enjoy” the moment
Enjoy experiencing death
And masking it as life


Love and it’s Many Forms #5

All photos by my Instagram @decayed_decadence


Love and Loneliness comes hand in hand
As god reaches out the devil offers comfort

“Come with me and I’ll make all your dreams come true.
Come with me and I’ll make you the best you.”

You know this is a lie, you know this isn’t true
You leave your wits at that bridge
But only if you were born being you
If only you didn’t find love in a kiss
Nothing can compare to the love he shows you
Quickly becoming everything you need
Then one day he tells you he gave himself
To that siren trying to rip your heart out
You’re broken and the universe doesn’t care
He says he loves you and won’t do it again
But all is lost because the question
So immersed in sadness she ran, and began life again

She was the apple of his eye as he gently touched her shoulders
The skin so soft and the perfume so strong
The day was coming to an end but romance never dies
So they commenced the act of love
Intertwining their souls as well as bodies
Feeling that enchantment of possibilities
He saw the future and he wanted to build it with her
But so young and fruitful, he found another
He didn’t know what he was throwing away
Until he finished the deed
And now they set fire to what was once true
And nothing will compare indeed

Here I am slowly losing my mind
I can’t remember if I lived or died
Somewhere in the middle
Is this a memory or another fantasy?
This question haunts me into dementia
Hey I remember you, no I KNOW you
The mirror spits in my face
Bloody knuckles and migraines flood me into eternal pains
Time is different here…

~D.C. Milostan


Love and it’s Many Forms #4

All photos by my Instagram @decayed_decadence

Little Eyes

At this vital stage of development, my three month old son seems to recognize me even though I haven’t seen him much. This warms my heart because last visit I seemed like a stranger to him.

As a human male, I crave connection to my offspring, for me it’s primal. I’ve never wanted to be away but I have been forced to be. To make the best of this situation I have constant thoughts racing that I now write down and for some reason they are less heavy.

This has made a huge difference my life as how I am to other people, but the one thing that truly keeps me going is my son making eye contact and knowing I’m his father. My daughter’s ”DADDDYYY” when she sees me for the first time she sees me on the weekends. I wish it was everyday, it’s every morning when I have her.

The love of a child is priceless and I would do anything to have that forever, but like anything else I have to prepare to let them go. For two days I am whole, and for five I am me. What does that mean? Am I learning, or running from the truth?

”The truth is in the moment, make it last forever.” D.C. Milostan


Depression, ffgghh

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Is This Happiness?

All photos by my Instagram @decayed_decadence

What visceral feeling bad weather can do the human being. No sun means no serotonin equals depression. However, I question the source. Today my therapist says I haven’t ”come out of mania” for the past two weeks. I gave this some thought and it has been 27 days since my split with my most beloved relationship I have ever set forth.

I’m well aware of the mistakes I’d made, and I’m able to work through them now, even though they’re in scenario form. Why is is that after the fact, something can be so simple? With the new information that I’m in ”eternal” mania, which up until now I equated with happiness, I feel as though I am operating at a higher level than before this significant life change has happened.

That being said, am I better? When will I fall again? Waiting to see what will make me reach my next rock bottom. This accelerated operating level has its own tricky way around sadness in the form of anxiety. Living in perpetuated fear of “them.”

The public applies pressures to everyone’s consciousness. Mine forms into a shaking hatred, dodging glances, not letting anyone see me, to know me. Any outside source can’t know what’s going on in my head for I would be ridiculed, but all that is going through my head is “I don’t exist.”

If I am left alone long enough, it becomes true, and I am very often alone. Usually this means I am lonely, but lately I find my own company rather exquisite. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that before. So if this is eternal mania, then let it never end… For I have found happiness.

“See yourself without the mirror, that’s your true beauty.” ~ D.C. Milostan


Love and it’s Many Forms #3

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White Lies

As I go through these difficult times a of survival, I often have to hold my tongue. I often don’t know which party is being more ignorant because each argument seems more ridiculous than the next. So I bite down on my teeth until my gums bleed. I should be free, right? Social acceptance is being fought for, but those same resources work against their own system. “We promote free thinking… but you can’t say that.”

Fucking blasphemy, how gratuitous ego can capture false pretenses. Here, we are left with no outlet, rage is not acceptable. No, but it’s a human need as much as love and forgiveness and tolerance. I long for the day that we are truly free to do as we please. I long for the day, that we are loved without judgment.

The prison of having to lie, instead of say what we’re thinking, has run wide and spreads like fire. We have to fight for our freedom in our OWN country that boasts ”freedom.” ”The great U.S. Of A.” Still blinded by individual freedom, we walk the lines of love and hatred just on vocabulary or social standing.

”People become MORE sensitive because OTHER people are MORE sensitive” ~ Joe Rogan

”Sometimes the one’s that love you most, judge you the most.” ~ D.C. Milostan


The Poem that Inspired the Name

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